“You are not as close to Me as you used to be”

Last night, right when I was about to fall into a deep sleep, I heard a voice… I heard it within the inmost part of my being; the soft and gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit. It was SO clear I could swear it was audible; it was so real I felt it. He whispered, “You are not as close to Me as you used to be.” Fear gripped my heart and my body jolted back into consciousness. Believe it or not, I chose not to ponder on it too long because I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. I love my sleep, but sometimes, especially in such a Holy moment like this one, it’s just not THAT important. Sadly, in this instance, I picked slumber over Jesus, and that is NOT popp’n. Sigh… See, the Kyla I knew a year ago would have woken up and got on her knees. I guess that explains why He said what He said.

That was last night. Fast forward to today and my emotions were all over the place! It has been a stressful, and mentally taxing day. My husband and I just moved from Oklahoma to the East Coast, and the move has been physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually draining. This evening I finally had some time to myself to reflect upon the Words that the Lord whispered so clearly to me the night before. I didn’t want to watch Television, didn’t want to get on my phone (that’s a first), and I didn’t want to vent to Him and offload all my carnal thoughts and feelings. There was so much on my mind and in my heart, but I just felt so strongly to sit with Him, to shut up and listen.

He began to speak and I just wept. He said He knew that I loved Him but that I had put Him at the bottom of my priority list. He explained how for the last year, I have been doing life with Him, but not talking to Him and giving Him enough of my time and attention. I really broke down when He said, “How can two people be right next to each other every single day and one not acknowledge the other?”.

I felt His grief. I felt the grief of the Holy Spirit; and it hurt. I felt His pain, and I was the one causing it. And I felt that fear again. The same feeling of terror I felt when He had woken me up the night before. I realized that it was a fear of Him leaving me. I gripped my heart tightly and pleaded, “Please don’t ever leave me! I don’t ever want You to leave me. I can’t do this life without You and I LOVE you. I’m sorry for hurting you and for putting You at the bottom of my list, You are the most important person in my life.”

We spoke for a while. He comforted me and said He was not going anywhere and that He never planned to. I knew then that He had not threatened me or planted fear in my heart; that is not His will or His character. There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear – 1 John 4:18. God is perfect love. And sure enough, that fear was driven out whilst spending time with Him. I do believe I felt a Holy fear though, like, more of a reverence and a respect toward Him; and that caused me to draw close to Him; my heart was exposed to His grief.

The Holy Spirit is a person and we can grieve Him (Ephesians 4:30). We can grieve Him by constantly ignoring Him, constantly being ashamed of Him, constantly denying Him, mocking Him or constantly not acknowledging Him. Yes, we are human, and we are not perfect; even the best of Christians miss it at times! But being a Christian means you have the most important person living inside of you, and that is the Holy Spirit of God. You’re not doing life on your own anymore! The Holy Spirit is not a whimsical breath of wind, He is a PERSON. Kathryn Kuhlman said it best:

The Holy Spirit is a PERSON. A person has intellect, emotion, will. With the intellect a person can know, can think, can understand. With the emotional capacity a person can feel, can love. With will, a person can decide, can act. He has emotion. He is touched with the feeling of my infirmities. He cares. You miss the joy of being a Christian if you don’t have a relationship with God.

Kathryn Kuhlman

With all that said, Jesus and I are cool now. I needed a heart check, I needed to feel what He was feeling for me to recognize that I was putting the cares of my life before Him, and allowing the things around me to distract me. I remember in my high school years I would ALWAYS make time for Jesus. It didn’t matter how I felt or who’s house I was at, or how many people were around me. I would excuse myself from my friends or family, lock myself in a room and spend time with Him. And if every room was occupied, i’d go outside or lock myself in the bathroom and sit on the toilet seat. At school I would take bathroom breaks just so I could escape class and be alone with the Lord for a few minutes. I was so in love with Him, and I was FEARLESS. It didn’t matter how tired I was or how long that essay took to write. I would read at least ONE verse of the bible everyday; with one eye closed and the other half open at times. I would write Him notes and I would bake Him a cake on His birthday. We were so close. When His Spirit is close to us, we are fearless, and we are free.

I was a child then, now I am a woman. I’ve been through a lot in my life and those hardships have made me stronger, which is great; but in other ways I’ve become tough and unresponsive. I never want to stop expressing my love toward my sweet Jesus, I never want to be so tough that I am no longer vulnerable around Him. I’ll share with you one last thing He said to me tonight. He encouraged me to never neglect the gifts He has placed within me, because they are part of who I am. Singing, creating instrumentals, writing poetry, speaking to women, and even exercising! He reminded me that I feel the closest to Him when I do these things. Like, He speaks to me the most when I am in the zone! Does that even make sense?! Well, it does to me.

If you are reading this, I pray that you would be touched to your core. If you have drifted in any way, I pray that you would return to your first love; who is Jesus. May His love rekindle the flame within your heart that once burned so brightly. I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

In Jesus Name.